losing control & falling deeply in love

Have you ever felt like you totally lost control of your life… and realized you never really had it in the first place? That the best we can do, truly, is just be fully present and come from a place of kindness & love?

I’ve been on a private journey over the last 17 weeks, since my husband and I found out about this:

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Being pregnant has been nothing short of fascinating… I’m learning so much about the wisdom of my body, the strength of my relationship with my husband and, interestingly, how my mind works in dealing with challenges.

 

Because, although this is a truly magical and splendid thing, there have been several mental, emotional and physical challenges to get through. Which is where the fascination really begins.

 

Of course, we are truly elated that we’re going to become parents. Every time I see our little nugget having a blast bouncing around in my belly on the ultrasound, I tear up out of the purest joy I’ve experienced. And a lot of what people say you “should expect” when expecting has been true, but there have also been some pretty big surprises that people don’t seem to talk about.

 

Here are the five biggest surprises for me:

{The amount of trust I have in my body & its wisdom.}

I have been in awe of how my body has been adapting to it’s new role as home for our growing baby. And, my body has surprised me in a few ways, like more headaches and back pain, but it’s also been such an incredible experience to be able to simply trust that my body is doing what it is made to do… and my role has been to support it in the best ways I know how. More than that… it’s made me stop judging myself. I haven’t heard other women speak about this, but it’s totally shifted the way I see my body & listen to it. My focus has shifted away from my waist being a certain size or my butt looking good in a certain outfit and towards giving my body what it needs to serve both myself and the baby best. I really hope this sticks after the baby is born, because it’s incredibly satisfying.

 

{The way I guarded myself against falling in love with our little nugget.}

Last October, we went through a miscarriage. And while I needed to mourn & release, it was actually a beautiful time for us as a couple and me as a person.

My husband was a rock. And his support brought us incredibly close.

I learned to just “be” and not expect myself to feel a certain way or do anything in particular.

But, I noticed this time around I was more reluctant to get my hopes up that the pregnancy would stick. I kept thinking that after the next appointment I’d go back to doing the things we’d done with the first one: reading about the baby’s growth together every Sunday, talking to it every night, and planning how the nursery would look.

I finally realized that this was an entirely different experience, and in order to fully disconnect the two, I had to go back to the idea of being comfortable with what felt right to me at the moment, and simply being present. I shifted to being grateful for every test/visit/ultrasound that went well. When fear or worry pops up, I simply tap into the knowledge that whatever happens, it is exactly the learning I need.

 

{The mental struggle to get over doing as much as I used to, and the feeling of losing control.}

Because of the unpredictable state of my body on any given day, my sense of routine has vanished along with any consistent notion of what I need or how to feel normal.

In it’s place? A decision to make every day an adventure. To sincerely listen to my body and discover what it needs each hour of each day. To relish time with my man, my family, my clients. And to just be right where I am, with no judgement.

From that, a new kind of freedom has emerged. Freedom from a need to predict, a need to plan, or know exactly what my day will look like. A settling in to the adventure. A feeling more grounded in who I am on a fundamental level, not what’s happening on a physical or emotional level at the moment.

Who knew losing control could mean feeling new freedom?

 

{Feeling more ease & certainty in my work.}

Being pregnant has totally shifted something deep within me. It’s a movement away from what matters for me, and a movement toward making sure this budding life is taken care of… and with that, I was curious how I would feel about my work in helping visionaries unlock their inner media bombshells, master their message, and ignite their brands.

But, this fascinating thing happened. I have been totally grateful & oh-so in love with my business and my clients. I’ve been trusting more than ever in it’s power to make impact. Feeling more free to adapt and shift as needed with clients. Playing more with less structure when speaking on stage. Feeling more certain of my choices, despite being less in control. And having more fun trying new things.

So, the shift in perspective has left me even more sure that this is the work I’m meant to do, and that I want to share my knowledge with as many people as possible. And I’m thrilled.

 

{Falling madly in love with my little life & my growing family.}

There’s an overwhelming sense of awe and gratitude that is happening in my life at the moment. I catch myself smiling when no one else is around, and being more aware of just how splendid this little life really is.

For that, I can only say thank you. Thank you for being a part of it, for being on this journey with me in whatever role that is: a trusted friend, a blossoming client, a curious member of the Media Bombshell community. It’s because of you that I feel so free to not only explore myself & be fascinated with this experience, but I’ll be able to create an extraordinary life for our little guy.

 

xx, Ellie

Responses




  1. Judi Radice Hays said:

    Ellie – so happy to hear your news. Motherhood/parenthood is life changing. My baby is graduating HS tomorrow and as I sift through the years of photos, it’s hard to believe how fast the years have slipped away as if I can recall all the little wonderful moments shared with my daughter. Much happiness and love to you as you embark on this new journey!

    Reply

  2. Sara Grunberger said:

    Congratulations!!! I SO appreciate you writing this blog! We experienced a miscarraige in Febraury and are currently about 8 weeks pregnant. Your comments resonate greatly and have me realize how not present I am, but living scared. No way to be.

    Much love and gratefulness,
    Sara

    Reply

    • Ellie said:

      Sara, thanks so much for being vulnerable. I feel like it’s incredibly easy to be held hostage by fear and it’s a constant reminder for me, too. Sending you a juicy hug. xxE

      Reply

  3. Debra said:

    You are amazing! Your beautiful expression of your pregnancy lessons are so full of life and love like you!
    wishing you many gentle days ahead to go even deeper into connection with your baby and your husband as you prepare for a safe, satisfying and pleasurable birth.

    Love and gratitude,
    Debra

    Reply

    • Ellie said:

      Thanks so much, Debra! Coming from you these comments mean so much. I truly believe our journeys intertwined at precisely the right moment and I’m so grateful for you. xxE

      Reply

  4. Staci said:

    Ellie!
    I am so so so so so happy and excited for you guys and this amazing new chapter in your life! Pregnancy and motherhood are the hardest jobs out there. But I’m not sure there’s anything more heart-filling. I have no doubt that you will be a shining star for your little nugget!!

    Big hugs to you!
    Stac

    Reply

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